WHO I AM ~ ALEX

Finding myself

For a long time, I was not aware that I had actually lost myself. I was just functioning. Functioning as a wife, as a mother, and at work. I did not allow time for myself, was always available, for everyone – at the same time I did not feel appreciated for all my efforts – I felt invisible. I kept telling myself: “That’s the way life works now, it’s not about you, stop thinking that you deserve anything special!” But something was missing and the feeling that I’m not OK grew. I said to myself:” Just fake it, be how they want you to be, and they will like you - everything will be fine.”

I now understand that this was the wrong turn, I went the wrong way. I became depressed, withdrew more and more, gained a lot of weight, and didn’t feel loveable or desirable anymore. I’m not sure or can’t remember what the initial spark, the first step of my way back to myself was. Back then I read a lot about self-worth and came across an intro vs extrovertists book, their strengths and weaknesses. It hit me, I remember bursting into tears when I recognized myself, in what I read. It felt as if I had seen the true ME for the first time, and “yes”, I thought, “I am OK the way I am”. The insight that motivation and energy for me come from within, from my own efforts, and that I don’t need other people or their appreciation to feel OK, followed.

I made small changes in my daily life. I withdrew from people who had drained me emotionally in the past, found activities which made and make me happy, changed my expectations towards other people and myself and stopped comparing myself to others. The new diet and fitness regime that followed were not the reason for my visual change, they were just logical consequences. Today, I’m 25kg lighter and at age 50, fitter than ever in my life. I feel free. I don’t have to just function anymore; I don’t have to be a certain way for others to like me. It’s their decision if they like me or not. Today I can well and truly say: “I am OK”.

Interestingly enough, now that I don’t focus on the appreciation of other people anymore, that’s exactly what I get. I guess I appear a lot more likeable and approachable to others, especially people who did not know my depressed self. I have to say, I feel a bit distant from my friends though, a few of which I had to let go as they are energy vampires. I’m always striving to be a better version of myself and can now look positively into the future.

What helped me was to understand that I can make changes to my situation. Don’t wait for others to pick you up and make the changes for you. It will not work. Be your own best friend. Try it, talk to yourself in the 3rd person as if you are talking to a friend. Is what you say more positive or more negative? If it’s more like: “You can’t do anything right!”, “No wonder no one likes you!”, “You are a waste of time to others!” etc, you should work on your internal dialogue. Why? Because we believe what we are telling ourselves. I keep telling myself: “You are worth it!”, “Well done!”, “Great effort!”, “Good on you for getting back on track!”, it makes all the difference!! I wish people understood better that taking time for yourself is not selfish. It enables you to be there for others.

If you say to yourself: "This day will be hard", it will be hard. You are creating your own truth. But yes there are days when my old me knocks on the door and I just don’t feel like being active or engage with others. That’s when I look into the mirror and say to myself: “Look at what you have accomplished, don’t let dark thoughts destroy this. They are just thoughts, you can control them”. Actually, I like to pull out my beautiful photos from the photoshoots as well when I’m feeling a bit sad, they pick me up every time.

If you asked my husband what matters most in life for me now – it’s my daily fitness routine - for me it’s my daily me time and I usually spend 1 to 2 hours a day focusing on me and my thoughts. Sometimes I go for a run or weight training session at the gym, I love Yoga, or by dancing around the house or just journaling thoughts. Since doing this I can easily balance family and work, the balance is what I was looking for.

I’m proud of me for getting this far, for finding balance in my life, for not being a victim anymore. I am proud that I can live in the moment now, for not wasting so much time anymore on what was or what will be. I just do…

My photoshoot at Sarahlee’s studio was the highlight of my self-discovery journey of the past two and a half years.

Ladies, go and have your photos taken by Sarahlee - you will feel like a movie star. Every woman deserves to look and feel her best and that's exactly what Sarahlee provides with her talent and professionalism. Do I get another shoot now haha...