WHO I AM ~ KIRSTY

"The Road to the Ride"

May 9th 2011 a significant date, I was diagnosed with HER2-negative Metastatic breast cancer, what does all this mean, I have invasive carcinoma tumours, they have tentacles & I'm possibly getting new boobs & a possibility this will kill me. WOW a diagnosis every 33 year old wants to hear! How this all started was a week or so prior after having a soak in the bath as I put my pyjama top on I brushed over a weird lump on my chest near my right boob, mmm this isn't normal, now I wasn't blessed with a fabulous rack so this lump didn't have much to hide from. I sought for a second opinion, my hubby Al, well he thought his night was just getting started when I got him to feel this lump, in return shit was about to get very real. Worried, I made a doctor's appointment for the next day. Doctor was not concerned but for "my piece of mind" she made a specialist referral request, which I jumped at. After meeting specialists, he too was blas´e & not really fazed but sent me to have an MRI & ultrasounds. I got the dreaded call "doctor wants to see you today". Al & I sat & waited. Sure, enough I was riddled on my right side. He said to me "you are right" - if in doubt have it checked out & checked again, always go with your gut. As I had previously told him I did not have a good feeling about this lump. Turns out it was not just one lump but many all through. Al was grey in colour, I hugged him and said I will beat this bastard. A full mastectomy was advised with reconstruction, 5-8 hour operation. My head was spinning and believe me I had some ugly moments. I had a few weeks of realigning what the importance of life and the people I had in it were really all about. I have the love of the outdoors and gardening so all the things that meant anything to me I sunk my thoughts into these hobbies. I survived that ordeal & sported a few drains which were nicknamed my flagons. Days & months turned into years & I started getting back to normality & making that part of my life a distant memory, the only reminder were check ups & scars. But, this wasn't to be, a family holiday in the South Island in 2015 I discovered another lump & it was protruding. I tried to block it out so I could enjoy the rest of our trip. After being told it was the seam of my implant, I thought nothing more, but it wasn't till Al woke me in the night remembering my implant was seamless. It was confirmed tumours throughout my breast & in my lymph nodes. I went through intensive treatment, chemo and radiation. I was kicking this cancer to the kerb. My zest for living & life was at an all-time high. Al had taken up 'super motard racing' which took us all over the country. I didn't have time to be sick, as Paige and I were his hot pit girls. Blake was support crew handing the spanners. Fabulous family time & a great way to see our beautiful countryside. Sadly, my life never got better, I lost my soulmate, rock & protector. Al was tragically killed in his helicopter in the October. There are no words for this moment. It should have been me, I felt selfish, so damn robbed. There was absolutely nothing anyone could do. Part of me has died, it brings me comfort to maybe think he took the bullet. And knowing I will see him again one day when this life has had enough of me. Over the past 4 years I have had my ovaries removed and had a full breast reconstruction. Lefty got a sidekick, and just recently I got new nipples, I call these "Al's cherries". I will not get a clearance for another few years and I have regular check up appointments. As Pink Floyd sings "How I wish, How I Wish You Were Here"

I questioned myself as a person A LOT - I know I am a good person - I am a great wife, Mother, Daughter, Daughter in Law, Aunty, Sister, Niece and friend WHY ME, WHY, WHY, WHY! People from afar looking in may only see the smiles, so are often quick to judge that all is healed, well & happy.NO grief journey is the same. It's important to STOP & allow people to share their story & to offer THEIR grief a voice. When you are a strong person, you are often never asked if you're ok! It takes courage to be yourself in a world where you're constantly told that who you are isn't enough. Being yourself is the biggest gift you can offer yourself and others. Be brave enough to show the world who you are without an apology. (Cancer Journey)

I am grateful for all I have in my life! My children and the legacy Al has left behind keep me going. Writing poetry and dittys. My garden opens its arms and hugs me in. What matters most for me now is Balance, Health, Happiness & Love. I am proud of myself how I have portrayed myself through ALL I have been through - I have become a decision maker, more independent. I try to let the small things not become the big things & accepting ME for ME.

What happened to me changed me FOREVER. For me, I have hidden a lot of how I am feeling, I guess I always thought someone else's grief was far greater than to hear mine. Looking back when I was 17 after losing my Dad suddenly, you're almost plunged into silence as it's just something often not talked about. It's a kinda "suck up", "harden up", "you have your whole life ahead of you", scenario. Losing Al was a completely different grief - I felt compelled to protect him & my children. We were damn proud of him & our love will never end. Sadly, I took it upon myself to shield up & preach "I'm not a poor me person", I don't want sympathy. A huge cop out if you ask me now! This has only lead me down the path of having Delayed Grief Trauma (DGT).