WHO I AM ~ HELEN
Hope, Healing, Health, and Happiness
After 20 years in a marriage on the other side of the world, with a broken heart, a broken mind and a broken spirit, I got on a plane and flew home to New Zealand.
In October 2002, I decided to end my life. While I waited for the medication overdose to kill my pain and my body a song played on the radio. "I believe the children are our future..... the greatest love of all....." by Whitney Houston. I dissolved in pain and called 911. I was rushed to the hospital and "rescued". My husband would not let me have our children (16 and 12) and his "gaslighting" approach over the years meant I no longer believed I was sane enough to fight. I came home to NZ and restarted my life alone.
I kept hearing Whitney Houston singing "I believe the children are our future". I was a mess and in therapy. I was taught to think and to plan one hour at a time, as even a whole day was too hard to think of. The emotional pain was beyond all limits. Slowly, I could think of a few hours at a time and then a few days and then a few weeks. After 6 months, I started working in Auckland. My goal was to get a job and save enough to buy a bed-sit apartment and find happiness in just being me. I spent $37 a week on groceries. I wrote to my children every single week. I never said a bad word about their dad. Instead, I would say "Your dad is a good man in many ways". I phoned them sometimes but hearing their voices tore my heart out. 10 months after returning home I plucked up the courage to go to my high school reunion. I had always been in the top class at school but felt like a total failure. However, life had something very special in store for me. I met my old friend, Roger, who I had known since I was 11 and had not seen since I was 20. We went for dinner a week later and for the past 18 years, we have enjoyed effortless emotional bliss! We started at the age of 48 with net assets of absolutely nothing.
My sons moved to NZ and lived with us for different periods, almost like stepping stones in their future. We share an enormously deep and special love. They have seen their broken mother work hard, find true happiness, start an NZQA school alone and reach the highest categories awarded. They have seen their father become an alcoholic, they have endured the wrath of his erratic anger and nastiness, and then they had to deal with his death from lung cancer and liver issues. The wounds my sons have are deep but healing.
My message to others who may have struggles is to NEVER give up. There is hope, you will heal, there is health, there is happiness, and your heart will beat. I will be writing a book with those words as the title one day as I so passionately want others to have “Hope, Healing, Health, and Happiness”.
Often, people in high profile positions, known for their good looks and charm, may actually be monsters. And, often, the partners of those individuals suffer invisible excruciating pain, but, because they have no black eyes or bruises or broken bones or tantrums or complaints, no one knows.
I take inspiration every day from the natural things in life; the smooth unstoppable speed of the rising sun, the dive bomb tactics of a tui flying, the blissful buzz of a bee on a blooming flower, a dewdrop sparkling on a blade of grass. And I am thankful for the love and support of my sons and my partner.
The important things in life for me now are: - Hope - that the world will find a way to be a happier place for all. - Healing - that others who have experienced emotional trauma will find help and heal. - Health - that we will learn to all promote healthy choices to protect the health of the planet and the people who share it. - Happiness - that we will all learn "Children are our future" and we owe it to them to create a happier world.
While pride is not something I openly flaunt, I do look back and think I am so proud I chose to live, to raise the courage to leave and to teach my children that love must be kind. I have worked hard in my career. I was always told when I achieved awards in jobs when I was married “Yes, but you are only a big fish in a very, very small pond”. Now, I know with my accomplishments in my career and my recent Master's degree, I am a happy fish in the pond of life, and I have a true lifeguard, Roger, beside me every day. I am also proud I have demonstrated to my sons to always work hard and to always be kind .
