WHO I AM ~ BERYL
Going from "I'm not OK but I will be" to "I am OK and I'm proud of myself"
My childhood was made up of grandparents who adored me and parents who did not want me but adored my younger sister. My sister hated me, my parents separating when I was 7 with 12 house moves and 8 school changes and a lot of emotional scarring. The stress I endured over those years was quite bad with my hair falling out, of which even to this day if I am subjected to severe stress my hair falls out.
Around a year after my mum and dad separated, mum moved my sister and I with her and her man around the country, during these years her then husband molested me. I moved back to dad's a few years later. Living with dad I was left to be housemaid and cook because I felt I had to look after my dad because his house was a mess and we ate terrible food. All I ever found myself doing was trying to go above and beyond to please him and be "his girl" when in reality I just wasn't. I would get up early to help him feed out hay, mend fences, move cattle, I would even carry two half round posts, one on each shoulder, to try to prove to him that I was strong and that he didn't need a son.
Then dad met his now wife, she was cruel to my sister and I, and dad stopped me spending any time with him. She hated girls and told us so, she had a daughter who she vocally hated, and two boys who she vocally doted on. During this time I told a friend (the first person I ever told) that my step-dad had done things and that was why I left mum and from there it was reported to the police. There ended up being a court case down in Rotorua because that was where step-dad and mum lived and also where it happened.
During the court case my lawyer told me not to show any emotion at all - not sad, not anything - and that made me angry because I hated that man and it was made worse because my grandmother and my mother were both on his side of the court room supporting him and not me. My mum stood up and lied saying I was never left alone with him and my grandmother stood up and gave a character witness statement in support of him - an utterly heart breaking experience. When the verdict was read out as not-guilty I ran out of the court room in absolute tears because I wasn't allowed to show any emotion.
My mum then disowned me and refused to acknowledge my existence. Dad's wife also became worse with treating us horribly. When dad and step-mum got married I was so ill, I had very bad fevers, vomiting and could not eat. I was threatened not to ruin their wedding day so I was careful not to show any illness. I look so pale and frail in their wedding photos.
My nana took us home after, while they partied on. Through the night I got worse and nana took me to hospital the next morning, where I stayed for 3 days. Dad and his wife came and saw me in the hospital as they went on their honeymoon, the visit felt like they were obligated to see me. I would later be made to attend school even with severe Bronchitis, so bad that I found it hard to walk. When dad and his wife went to the pub leaving us kids at home I rang my nana and she took me to the hospital, I stayed in there for a week, the doctors telling me I was lucky to go in when I did because I had so much mucus on my lungs I almost drowned.
My sister would constantly pick fights with me and it got so bad, I hated it, I hated the aggression yet she never would stop, always lying and telling stories to get me in trouble. I was constantly bullied at every school I attended and I didn't have the strength or the confidence to stand up for myself. I hated school and constantly found it difficult to make friends.
One afternoon when I was days away from getting the Independence Benefit to finally move out of home, my dad growled me on the deck asking me if I had something to tell him? I was scared because I couldn't believe he found out I was secretly organising to move out and support myself, but it turned out he had not found that out and my owning up to it then made him even more furious. He told me that he was talking about me being the "town bike of Rawene" (but I was still a virgin - I later found that it was his wife spreading these rumours about me) and dad kicked me out there and then up to my nana's.
I later moved in with my boyfriend which was nice to start, I finally felt free, but soon the relationship became psychologically abusive. He would taunt me, pick on me, and if I was sick he would tell me he wanted to see xrays to prove I was sick. I even considered driving off a big hill on my way home from work, it was a very dark time in my life because I felt convinced that the troubles must be relating to me as I was the common denominator.
As some years had passed since I last spoke to my mum I went with my sister, who was then living with her not too far from where I lived. Mum was still with her husband. I visited her and I was able to tell her what happened to me with her husband, she actually listened. Some years later I eventually let her husband back in my life and I even forgave him for what he did to me because it's always been important to me not to hold onto hate, I don't think that holding onto hate is a healthy thing to do, so I forgave him, but we never spoke of it.
My relationship with mum died again some years later because of reasons I never understood at the time, until many years passed. My grandmother had used me to get information about where my mum was living and my mum believed I deliberately betrayed her and cut me out. I went from one bad relationship to another that seemed to grow worse in how they treated me - one wanting me to become an escort/sex worker because he said I'd make good money. He got me as far as staying the night in a brothel but I was so distraught and in tears the entire time I never worked, instead I went home and our relationship went down hill from there, him trying to become more controlling of me.
A few years later I then met my children's dad. I entered that relationship because I felt no one wanted me and he told me he did want me. I knew he wasn't right for me but I was desperate to be accepted and wanted. When I was pregnant with my daughter I went to see my mum again to try to mend bridges and said to her I am not looking for a mother figure because she wasn't one to me, but she is my mother and I felt it was important my children know who she is. That day I was able to tell her that growing up I felt like she never wanted me, she replied that she "didn't want me because to her I was the cause of all her problems". Those words were the hardest words to hear in all my life, despite my already knowing in my heart that was what it was during my childhood. To hear her say those words deeply hurt me, but from then on she and I have a good relationship.
My grandparents died and this was one of the hardest times in my life, they were everything to me - the only people in my life that actually cared about me and wanted me and they were proud of me. My father disowned me after they died, telling his friends that I am the devil's daughter. Dad wanted to tell dreadful things about his father at his father's funeral. Leading up to the funeral dad would ring me and abuse me over the phone, swearing and bullying me saying that I owed him for him being the one who raised me and he being the only one there for me. I told him that was incorrect and told him if he swears at me I would hang up, and he swore and so I hung up on him. This went on for a couple of calls - him ringing and abusing me, so I'd hang up straight away. I stopped answering his calls, that ended my relationship with my dad.
About a year later I got word that he sent my nana's ashes to Australia and that he scattered my great aunty's and my grandpa's ashes without me because I am the devil's daughter and he is teaching me a lesson not to mess with him. That absolutely broke my heart and to this day I still do not know where grandpa or aunty were scattered. When my son was almost one I made the decision in my life that I could not go on like this with relationships; so I ended that relationship with my kid's father. He then became so verbally abusive and psychotic he would break in and steal random things like my vibrators, pot lids, electric salt and pepper shakers, the blade to my nutri-bullet - stupid stuff. He would move things around the property to taunt me. He loved to show up at the children's day care 10 minutes before I pick them up and would proceed to tell me its my tough shit that they are upset.
Those years were the hardest, I had no family and no one I could rely on for moral support and his psychological abuse was constant. I then made the decision 2 years ago to try and re-establish a relationship with my dad. He had never before met my son who was then 5 years old. It was an extremely difficult decision for me to go back, I had serious walls up and I did not feel comfortable at all. Every bone in my body screamed at me not to go, and when I went inside I knew why! I was sitting beside my nana's ashes, this was extremely upsetting to me. Since that day my dad and his wife have called me horrible names behind my back, still call me the devil's daughter and tell people that I slept with a lawyer to get $100k when he only got $60k. That was the last straw, I have not seen my father since, and those who would report such words are also no longer part of my life.
But my life has turned around, I have become stronger. My mum has apologised to me for the way I was treated. I know and believe that I am worthy of so many good things, and I do cut relationships/friendships in order to preserve the person I am. Sadly it takes time sometimes to understand if a person only wants me because of what I can give them. When it was happening I felt unwanted, unloved, useless, a punching bag (not in the physical sense, but psychological), I was never good enough, worthless. I have never been able to understand why anyone can so freely treat a person so poorly, rudely or aggressively.
I struggled to understand why I was an easy target when I was the quietest person, always trying to avoid being noticed, yet that seemed to always put a big target on my back. I wish people understood compassion better. I wish people would learn patience and the understanding that everyone is different to you and that is actually OK. I wish people would understand that it is not OK to hurt others and to look after and love their children, encourage their children not abandon them, make them bloom into amazing human beings.
I have since met someone who believes in me, someone who can see the beauty in me, someone who treats me with honour and respect, someone who listens to me and encourages me, and for the first time in my life someone who I can trust (trust is something I've never felt for anyone before, with the exception of my nana and grandpa). I then dropped everything and changed my life and moved to Whangarei. Because I am stronger now and desire a better life for my children and I. I have also found strong faith in Jesus, I always knew Jesus was there, I have always talked to him, I have recently been baptised and found my home with my church. When I pray my life lights up in unimaginable ways.
I have one of the biggest and honest hearts imaginable , I am an extremely patient person and I will do anything for anyone. I will often do without in order to ensure others can benefit, I spend hours creating and baking and decorating cakes etc and much other food and gift them to friends and family and those in need. I am the person that will drive to Auckland at 2am if you had too much to drink and need a ride home. I am always putting others before myself, often to my own detriment. Through being let down as much as I have by those who were supposed to care about me has made me determined to not treat people the same way I was treated. It really upsets me if I upset anyone - that is very difficult for me too. I really get emotionally affected if I have upset someone. The way I live my life I want my children to be proud of me and aspire to be like me, to be good people. Through my experiences I have had over the years, often I have been someone that many people confide in and ask me for advice. People appear to be drawn to me in that way and return to me often because my advice or more so my understanding was meaningful to them. A lot of who I am I believe is because I had the love and care of my Nana and Grandpa, they taught me to respect, be honourable, taught me patience, the importance of being a good honest person.
My mantra is: today is tough, but tomorrow will be better. There is always a tomorrow and in that tomorrow you have the power to change things. You are worth something, no-one has the right to make you feel less of yourself. Breaking cycles is hard but nothing is impossible and I promise you if you can first make that decision, then take that step, then take a few more steps away from it. I often tell others to draw an imaginary circle around them and forget everything outside that circle and once they are stronger then extend that circle to close family, once stronger again extend to extended family/friends and so on. I promise you that it will get better but we must work on ourselves without listening to the negative that surrounds us. It's taken me nearly 40 years but now I am living a very blessed life.
Tomorrow will be better, it just has to be because no hurt will last forever, everything moves on. People make bad decisions today, surely they can understand right from wrong and will change the way they treat someone. But what really inspires me is that I am not like them, I am me, I am kind and I am giving and most of all I am forgiving and if I can be like that my kindness surely will inspire others. Just keep going to tomorrow.
What matters most in life now is my children making the right decisions, to do this they must have strong values. My values are very important to me - Integrity, I will do what I have said I will do, and being honest and reliable is strength. Truth, being truthful and owning my shit, even if it hurts me I have to own it because if I don't it eats away at me and that is far worse . Jesus, I pray and talk to Jesus all the time, and he does answer me, I am stronger with him in my life. Despite all I have been through I am proud that I am the kind and caring person I am - I have such a big heart, I care so much about so many. What I went through has made me more determined to not be defined by my past. That I survived and I got through a lot of tomorrows, and have learnt a lot of harsh life lessons along the way, all of which has helped me become the person I am today. Having the determination that I have has influenced me well in my professional life, I work hard, I am honest and loyal and reliable, I strive to ensure people, who encounter me, receive the best of me, although I can be rather shy and guarded at first. The experiences have set me up with the tools of "pulling up my big girl pants and getting it done" attitude and I am proud of who I am regardless of my past. No one in my family has been as successful in employment as I fortunately have been and that has quite literally come down to me not being defined nor held back by my past experiences.